Family Caregiver Support

Stories and Strategies to Help You Juggle the Challenges of Long-Term Care

  • Home
  • Caregiver News
    • Anti-Immigrant Policies Worsen the Labor Shortage in Home Health Care
    • Stress-Free Senior Caregiving: 4 Tips to Make the Job Easier
    • Should You Plan for Long-Term Care Expenses
    • Financial Tips for Helping a Senior After a Loss
    • Yoga Is an Important Stress Reducer for Caregivers
    • Diabetes Coverage: Tips to Help Seniors Plan Ahead
    • The Do’s and Don’ts of Caregiver Self-Care
    • Resources for Senior Caregivers
  • Book Table
  • About
  • Contact
  • Opt-out preferences
You are here: Home / Archives for novel

Mother-Daughter Caregiving | In Honor of Mothers’ Day

May 12, 2017 by Marylee MacDonald


Please enjoy this guest post by two writers who’ve addressed the issue of mother-daughter caregiving through fiction and memoir: Diana Y. Paul, Ph.D. and Virginia A. Simpson, Ph.D

Parents are expected to take care of their children, but they usually do not anticipate a future where their children will take care of them. Nor are adult children prepared to take care of their parents. Due to the record longevity of our parents, more and more of us are expected to participate in caregiving. So, anticipate a longer-term, intimate relationship between adult child and aging parent.

Things Unsaid Diana Y Paul caregiving for parents
Diana Y. Paul’s novel, THINGS UNSAID, plunges readers into the landscape of a daughter coping with buried grievances and parental decline.

We all need to prepare for this eventuality. After years of managing for themselves, parents usually and naturally do not welcome being told what to do. Most of us are—or will face—this role-reversal, and we can’t do it alone.

Fictional Caregiving In Things Unsaid

The challenges of being stuck in the middle and taking care of two families—the so-called “sandwich generation”—are immense and often debilitating. Partly because the family dynamics of one’s youth influences caregiving, caring for one’s parents is much more difficult than caring for one’s kids. Financial and emotional stressors also arise, intensifying the inherent conflict and difficulty of caring both for oneself and for one’s parents.

The theme in our two authorial debuts Things Unsaid (a novel) and The Space Between: A Memoir of Mother-Daughter Love at the End of Life (a memoir) touches upon the all-too-typical dysfunctional family, its dynamics, and what happens in the end: the last chance to make things right. Both books are portraits of the way unresolved issues from childhood and ongoing conflicts complicate the mother-daughter relationship when the daughter becomes the caretaker. Even today, because of tradition, daughters are the ones primarily relegated to the caregiving responsibilities for their parents.

For those with less than loving parent-child relationships, the caregiver’s tasks which require relatively little direct contact with a parent also involve minimal emotional exchange, friction or disappointment.

Assistance with shopping, housework, medication management, and living arrangements are described in Things Unsaid, but the attachment bond between daughter and mother is fragile. Old memories continue, for the most part, beneath the surface. The main character, Jules Foster, is responsible yet emotionally safe. “That’s what a good daughter is supposed to do–love her mother even if her mother doesn’t love her back.” (Things Unsaid)

A Caregiving Memoir: Daughters Caring for Mothers

THE SPACE BETWEEN caregiving for mother memoir
Written by bereavement care specialist Virginia A. Simpson, THE SPACE BETWEEN is a memoir about the prickly spaces between a daughter’s obligations to herself and to her aging mother.

In The Space Between the author is the caregiver: “…as a daughter, I would never abandon my mother, no matter what.” And the book’s narrator is diligent in her practical eldercare for a mother who is often unaware of the attention and emotional costs on her daughter. In both books, we see forms of unconscious, psychological damage inflicted by mothers on their underappreciated daughters.

Daughters may be less motivated to invest emotional energy in a relationship that has been unsupportive or painful and whose end may be unremarkable or even a relief. Or, daughters may see this as their last opportunity to heal the relationship.

However, when the power-dynamics shift, long forgotten grievances can play out. In Things Unsaid, we see secrets, lies, and betrayal, most notably, on the part of the aging mother. In The Space Between, we see a nonfictional equivalent—including an almost identical scene when a ring promised to one child is bestowed on another.

Sibling Rivalry

In Things Unsaid, we see how three adult siblings disagree about what to do with their parents. At the same time, the parents are manipulative, pitting one sibling against the others. In The Space Between we see the favoritism towards the half-brother and how the caregiver suffers.

So what is the well-meaning daughter to do? The daughter’s need for her mother’s love and attention isn’t diminished by the mother’s abandonment or dismissal. In Things Unsaid we see little emotional connection overall, and in The Space Between we see a strong, but not always healthy, emotional connection.

Yet in both stories there is a fierce sense of obligation. In Things Unsaid, even at the end, this is never enough nor is it satisfying, while in The Space Between, the daughter finds the reconciliation and love she’d been hoping for her whole life.

The Possibility of Healing

In both books we see the possibility of healing at the end of the mother’s life. Although not always redemptive or forgiving, there is a moving forward towards the future, made possible by the daughter’s letting go of the past. The grown child and her mother have severed the unhealthy dynamic of an earlier time.

While neither of us is advocating any a particular philosophy of caregiving, we feel family education programs that examine interpersonal dynamics before caregiving becomes a necessity could hold the key. These programs offer families an opportunity to discuss caregiving expectations and address discrepancies across generations before they evolve into conflict and regret.

Research that explores connections between emotional and behavioral family patterns will be vital for understanding the difficulties of eldercare.

The stories and themes addressed in The Space Between and Things Unsaid are in all of us. By showing the challenges and victories with brutal honesty, both of our books shine an important light on how we can meet the challenges of role reversal with our sanity and spirit intact.

 

Authors’ bios:

Diana Y. Paul has a degree in both psychology and philosophy from Northwestern University and a Ph.D in Buddhist Studies from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Her debut novel, Things Unsaid, won the Beverly Hills Book Award 2016 for New Adult Fiction, the Readers Favorite 2016 Silver Award for Best Fiction, was nominated for a Pushcart Prize, and listed as #2 on Brit.co’s “14 Books about Families Crazier than Yours”. A former Stanford professor, she is the author of three books on Buddhism. She lives in Carmel, CA with her husband and calico cat, Mao. Diana is currently working on a second novel, A Perfect Match, and when not writing, creates mixed media art. Visit her author website at: http://www.dianaypaul.com

Virginia A. Simpson
Virginia A. Simpson

Virginia A. Simpson, Ph.D., FT is a Bereavement Care Specialist and Executive Counseling Director for hundreds of funeral homes throughout the United States and Canada. She is the Founder of The Mourning Star Center for grieving children and their families, which she ran from 1995 to 2005, and author of the award-winning memoir The Space Between (She Writes Press, April 2016) about her journey caring for her ailing mother. She holds a Fellowship in Thanatology from the Association for Death Education & Counseling (ADEC) and has been honored for her work by the cities of Indian Wells, Palm Desert, Palm Springs, and Rancho Mirages. Visit her author website at: www.virginiaasimpson.com

Photographs And Letters: Mining the Past

December 17, 2015 by Marylee MacDonald

The impulse to write a memoir, family genealogy, or work of fiction often begins when we open a family album. There’s the guilt factor, a sense that we owe our forebears a shot at having their stories told before those stories are swallowed by the well of history. When it comes right down to it, who’s going to want all those photographs of our grandparents and great-grandparents? What will our children, raised in the Instagram age, make of the stiff postures and posed portraits, the sepia tones and formal attire? And yet we know these images are important. We know in our hearts that the lives buried in these studio portraits or box-camera black-and-whites contain not just faces the we recognize as our own, but also the stories and wisdom of the loved ones who made us who we are.

Photo Source

With the help of two of my sons, I spent a day during the Thanksgiving vacation going through the bags and bags of unsorted photographs. A reader also contacted me and said she was going through photos and old letters, attempting to do some writing about them, but that the writing was proving harder than she’d imagined. Here are my thoughts on ways those old photographs can be mined for their riches.

Who Is Your Audience?

The first question to ask is this: For whom am I writing? If your answer is “to leave a legacy for my family,” your goal may be easier. Family members are intrinsically interested in stories about the family tree. Well, maybe the young ones aren’t, but they will be nearer the end of life. At that point many folks are curious about the roots and branches of the family tree, and that’s why sites like Ancestry.com have so many sleuths mining their files. Genealogy, old photos, and old letters capture the world as we knew it in our childhoods, and if we wish it to, this fragile documentation can serve as a springboard for our imaginations. Our family history can blossom into a memoir, local history, or work of fiction.

Apart from immediate family, your goal might be to reach a wider audience, to write a book worthy of occupying a library shelf. If you can refine your thoughts about audience further, you can focus your writing so that it will have an impact on readers outside your immediate circle. Is the book you’re envisioning about pioneers in North Dakota? If so, your book might stand alongside other books featured in the Read North Dakota library programs. Not all of these found a wide readership, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that the subject grabs you and that you’re going to try your best to do it justice.

Can You Narrow Your Story To A Single Focus?

This is about the years when… or, This is about the time our family had to move out to Uncle Albert’s farm because Dad lost his grocery store… or, This is about the time a little girl set her dress on fire with a Fourth of July sparkler, an event that affected my grandfather, her doctor, for the rest of his life and that affected me because he thought I was so much like her.

Do you have a potential book about the Irish who raised greyhounds and raced them? (Listen up, Leslie W. I’m calling you out on this one. Write that book!) Maybe you’re plagued with self-doubt and playing one of those mind games all writers play. “Oh, who’d read that! It’s hardly worth my time. I should be writing something that will sell.”

Don't Let's Go To The Dogs Tonight
Growing up in Rhodesia during a time of political turmoil might seem like a pretty esoteric subject for a memoir, but the author’s writing style and her ability to extract meaning from the chaos brought her many loyal readers.

Such thoughts might have been in the mind of Alexandra Fuller, author of Don’t Let’s Go to the Dogs Tonight, a memoir about her childhood in Rhodesia. Shona Patel, author of Teatime for the Firefly might also have stared at the pile of photographs that eventually formed the PowerPoint presentation she uses when talking about her successful debut novel.

My point is that if you envision writing just for your family, then your work won’t require the kind of structure that will be required of you if you want to reach a wider audience. If you’re hoping to touch the heart strings of that audience, then a story about growing up on a tea plantation in Assam or a story about a childhood in Rhodesia will be immensely interesting if the work itself has narrative focus.

What Is Narrative Focus?

It’s a term I just made up. Oops! Not true. I just went to Google and saw that a few other people have also used the idea of “narrative focus.” The term isn’t as important as the idea that all stories must be stories. They must have a point, not just trail off like the proverbial “shaggy dog” story.

It’s all well and good to use old photographs and letters, but if you’re wanting to reach readers who don’t know or care about your family, then you must try to extract meaning from this flotsam of lives, images, and experience. Otherwise, you may write your heart out, but you will wind up with the equivalent of a protracted diary. In a diary the meaning of recorded events is rarely clear. Not till you look back a decade hence will you understand the underlying themes and assumptions that guided your decisions.

Photo Source

Getting back to North Dakota pioneers, if you’re sorting through a pile of old photographs, you might look for themes that would touch on the universal. Pioneers might have an impulse to escape the known world and seek adventure. Your great grandfather might have been the youngest child with no prospects of a better life, except to join the land rush or the Gold Rush. Your grandmother might have had a better chance of meeting a husband if she agreed to be a mail order bride.

Whatever the lesson from those times gone by, you can extract meaning the very same way you would if flipping back through the pages of your teenage diary. “Gosh, I was boy crazy,” or “Heavens, my sister was right. I gave her a very hard time.”

If you intend to write a history of your family or a history of yourself, try to sense in your gut when a story begins to take hold of your feelings. Who is that baby in the dress? Why, it’s your grandfather? Tough. Indomitable. In a dress!

Look for contrasts. Look for the unexpected. Look for any situation you can dramatize. By that, I mean “a scene with dialogue that contains conflict.” Conflict will give your writing narrative focus. Someone will win and someone will lose. The reader’s eye will focus on that conflict to see who will come out a winner.

Photographs As Writing Prompts

A few years back author Robert Olen Butler used old postcards to jumpstart a book. I had the honor of editing one of his stories for the literary magazine StoryQuarterly. I’ve never seen a story come in so “clean,” meaning so free of grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors. However, to be totally honest, the excerpt we published read more like a vignette than an actual story. The characters grabbed me. The postcards were wonderful. But, something was missing. The story lacked narrative focus. It read more like a diary entry or a character study.

Robert Olen Butler
Robert Olen Butler’s book, Had A Good Time, began with old postcards and the notes written on them.

Butler’s wonderful short story collection, A Good Scent from a Strange Mountain, did have narrative focus. In each story the reader could discern the events that had caused the character to become a refugee. In each story a character won or lost. Perhaps the book found its audience because we Americans hungered to know more about the people whose lives had been altered by war. It’s possible that book would not have been so popular or relevant if it had appeared in 2014, prior to the waves of refugees that began flooding out of Africa, Syria, and Afghanistan.

Unfortunately, we can’t know what will make a book popular, nor can we know how long it will take to write a book. Go ahead and use those photos. Stare hard at them, and try to discern why you feel such urgency that you must tell the story behind them now. Has the way of life depicted in those images vanished or almost vanished? Are you the last person alive who remembers the details? The more you can think through these questions or discover the answers as you write, the stronger your story will be. A question agents will ask is this: “Why are we reading this now?”

The Frame Story

Before I leave this subject, I just want to give a nod to Wallace Stegner, author of one of my favorite novels, Angle of Repose. Stegner mined his grandmother’s letters to give authenticity to the life of a women and her husband living on the frontier.

Angle of Repose
Wallace Stegner’s novel, Angle of Repose, makes use of a frame story.

But he did more than that. He invented a frame story with a modern protagonist who had an unbending nature. Lyman Ward urgently needed to learn lessons from the past so that he could find his way back to happiness. I can’t do better than the blurb for the book, so here goes:

Wallace Stegner’s Pultizer Prize-winning novel is a story of discovery—personal, historical, and geographical. Confined to a wheelchair, retired historian Lyman Ward sets out to write his grandparents’ remarkable story, chronicling their days spent carving civilization into the surface of America’s western frontier. But his research reveals even more about his own life than he’s willing to admit. What emerges is an enthralling portrait of four generations in the life of an American family.

Without the frame story, Angle of Repose would have fallen into the genre known today as historical fiction. But with the frame story surrounding the story from the past, readers have a reason to care. Make readers care, and you have a book that will have a life outside your immediate circle.

A term bandied about in writing workshops is that “something is at stake.” What’s at stake in Angle of Repose is Lyman Ward’s redemption. It’s Dickens’ story, “A Christmas Carol,” but with a modern twist.

When using the term “narrative focus,” I could have simply said, “A story needs a plot.” However, most of us, when culling through photos or looking back through journals, don’t immediately think, “What is the plot of this stretch of life?” The questions we might ask have more to do with what meaning of certain events or the scars they left. Our questions might have to do with how a landscape shaped the people who lived there, or how hard times made them people who endured.

Our great human endeavor is our ceaseless attempt to know “what it means”–this life with all its twists and turns, loves and disappointments. It is what drives us to tell the little stories we call gossip. It’s what causes us to sit around the table at Thanksgiving and summon up the moment when…Well, you get the idea. The endlessly fascinating story of our ongoing lives is what makes us so avid to conjure up the past.

book cover showing two rocking chairs on a porch in the moonlight





A mid-life mom, Colleen Gallagher would do anything to protect her children from harm. When her daughter’s husband falls ill with ALS, Colleen rolls up her sleeves and moves in, juggling the multiple roles of grandma, cook, and caregiver, only to discover that even her superhuman efforts can’t fix what’s wrong.

“A heartrending story of love, loss and the endurance of the human spirit.” – Literary Fiction Book Review

Recent Blog Posts

  • Avoiding Burnout: Support for New Caregivers February 13, 2025
  • A Safety Net for Health Care April 4, 2023
  • Resources for Senior Caregivers February 15, 2023
  • The Best Side-Gigs for Senior Caregivers May 23, 2022
  • Yoga Is an Important Stress Reducer for Caregivers January 31, 2022
  • The Do’s and Don’ts of Caregiver Self-Care November 9, 2021

Featured Books

God’s Gift Within: The Story of the Joshua Quilt

God’s Gift Within: The Story of the Joshua Quilt
Buy This Book Online
Buy from IndieBound
Buy from Barnes and Noble
Buy from Amazon Kindle
Buy from Amazon
God’s Gift Within: The Story of the Joshua Quilt
Buy now!

A Chance to Say Goodbye: Reflections on Losing a Parent

A Chance to Say Goodbye: Reflections on Losing a Parent
Buy This Book Online
Buy from Barnes and Noble Nook
Buy from Barnes and Noble
Buy from Amazon Kindle
Buy from Amazon
A Chance to Say Goodbye: Reflections on Losing a Parent
Buy now!

The Space Between: A Memoir of Mother-Daughter Love at the End of Life

The Space Between: A Memoir of Mother-Daughter Love at the End of Life
Buy This Book Online
Buy from Barnes and Noble
Buy from Amazon Kindle
Buy from Amazon
The Space Between: A Memoir of Mother-Daughter Love at the End of Life
Buy now!

Bonds of Love and Blood

Bonds of Love and Blood
Buy This Book Online
Buy from IndieBound
Buy from Amazon Kindle
Buy from Amazon
Buy from Barnes and Noble Nook
Buy from Barnes and Noble
Buy from IndieBound
Bonds of Love and Blood
Buy now!

Archives

© Marylee MacDonald | All Rights Reserved.
Manage Cookie Consent
To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behavior or unique IDs on this site. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions.
Functional Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
Manage options Manage services Manage {vendor_count} vendors Read more about these purposes
View preferences
{title} {title} {title}